


Forgive Me, Daniel Howell

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Gay Phil Lester, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Presents, References to Depression, Student Dan Howell, Suicidal Thoughts, Teacher Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25764880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: Dan's got one day left on the miserable planet that is Earth. He's got three gifts to deliver. And he's got two bullets, one for Charlie Wicker and one for himself.There's one thing he needs to learn before he goes, though he’s entirely sure Mr Lester’s secret won’t change anything.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	Forgive Me, Daniel Howell

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago so be kind, haha. It has also been thoroughly beta'd by thoughtathought so a big thanks to him for all the work he put into making this the best it could be! Check him out [here](https://thoughtathought.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> TW: Suicide/suicidal thoughts, guns, rape, WWII/nazi references, self-harm references, internalised homophobia.

June 11th. Dan Howell’s 18th birthday. And also his last day on planet Earth. The revolver sat on the breakfast table next to his meal. There was no point in hiding it away in his bag, it’s not like anyone would see it within the house. His dad buggered off before he was born and his mum was constantly away, chasing her dreams in Manchester. She called about once a month, just to make sure he was alive. Dan didn’t see a cent of her “hard-earned money”.

Even on his final day, he had plans. He wasn’t just going to lie in bed hating life. No, he had things he needed to do before he put a bullet through his head. On the way to school, he’d stop by his neighbour’s house. Louise was a lovely middle-aged woman who was obsessed with Disney. When Dan was younger, she’d often look after him when his mother was away. Even when he was old enough to stay home alone, he chose to go there. She showed him all the classics from Beauty and the Beast (which was her favourite) to Finding Nemo. She would show him her collection from the smallest items like pins to big metre-tall sculptures that must have cost at least a couple of months worth of savings.

Putting his breakfast bowl in the sink, he grabbed the gun and headed upstairs to wrap the presents. One for each of the three people he loved. Louise for her caring nature, Pj for his quirky creativity, and Mr Lester for always caring about each individual student who came through his door. He planned to go one by one, giving each one their gift. He had everything planned. After all the presents were delivered, he’d go to Charlie’s house and end both their lives. Charlie was an absolute ass, even if Dan had dated him for a little while. He was abusive, something it’d taken Dan a long time to realise, acknowledge and accept. It had come to a halt though when he’d left Dan tied up to the bed after fucking him with no preparation. No, he wouldn’t regret killing Charlie. And he wouldn’t regret offing himself either.

Nodding to himself in the mirror for extra confidence, he pulled on a hoodie. He’d completely destroyed his hair the night before in a destructive rage. He’d taken scissors to it, snipping off random chunks before pulling bits out from his scalp. It had hurt and left his head bleeding, but it silenced the buzzing in his head. With his hair covered, he flicked the safety on and shoved the gun deep into his bag. It was wrapped, just like the other presents, in case the school decided to randomly conduct a bag search. He could just say it was a present and they surely wouldn’t make him open it.

He pulled the front door shut, locking it behind himself, before shucking up his bag and marching to his neighbour’s house. He opened the unlocked door, knowing she never minded him coming in uninvited.

“Lou?” he called out. He could hear the tunes of _The Little Mermaid_ playing in her lounge so followed the sound to find her sat on her sofa.

“Hello Dan,” she greeted, pausing the movie. “How are you today?” she asked. _See, not even she remembers your birthday. Why would she though? You’re entirely worthless._

“Good. I, uh, have a present for you,” he mumbled, pulling his bag off his shoulders and opening it up.

“I don’t think that’s quite how birthdays work, Mr Howell,” she laughed. _Wait, she remembered?_ Dan felt warm and giddy; Louise really was amazing. “I’ll go get your present,” she said, pushing the recliner down and standing.

“No, it’s okay, I don’t need anything.” _It’s not like you’ll have the change to appreciate it anyway_ , a voice in his head chided.

“Nonsense. You think I’m not going to give my favourite neighbour a birthday present?”

“I’m your only neighbour,” he mumbled as she exited the room. He pulled out her gift. It wasn’t big, but it had meaning behind it, history supporting it.

“Here you go,” she said when she returned, handing the parcel to him. “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you, here’s your present,” he replied, passing her present over to her as he rested his own in his other hand.

“Thank you, lovey.”

Dan slowly opened the present, careful so to preserve the _Alice In Wonderland_ wrapping paper. Inside was a jumper in a pastel blue, Woody and Buzz patch-stitched onto the front.

“Thank you,” he said, giving her a quick hug. _Can’t get any closer now Dan, it’s too late for that._

“Made it myself,” she smiled, laughing a little. “The stitching is a little mucked up on the sleeve but otherwise I’m pretty proud of it.”

“It’s wonderful. I’d never think anything else.” He grinned before gesturing to his own present in her hands.

“Oh, let’s see here,” she said, pulling bits of sticky-tape here and there to remove the wrapping. Inside was a bluey-purple pastel box, but the box itself wasn’t the present, just the packaging it came in.

She dropped the wrapping to the floor, turning the box until she could understand the gift. “No,” she whispered in shock, causing a grin to explode on Dan’s face. “No, you didn’t,” she said again, looking up to Dan now with excitement in her eyes.

She pulled the little flap holding the lid to the box and pulled it open, bubble-wrap covering the present. After that was removed, she could see it. A limited-edition Beauty And The Beast statue that only had ninety-nine sisters in the entire world. Dan watched on as she wiped a tear from her eye, looking at the figurine with such wonder and amazement.

“This makes my gift look like shit,” she sob-laughed. “I’ll get you something more, something bigger and better, just wait, okay lovey? Thank you so so so much,” she said, pulling him in for a tight hug. Dan hugged her back equally as hard knowing this would be the last hug they shared.

“Goodbye may seem forever, farewell is like the end, but in my heart is a memory and there you’ll always be,” Dan said, quoting his absolute favourite Disney movie. Louise looked surprised by the sudden mood change, eyes filling with sadness and worry.

“Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting,” she quoted in reply.

“It’s just that I’m not sure I fit in here. There’s no one I can really talk to.”

She didn’t play along this time, she didn’t quote some other Disney movie in the game they often played. No, instead she sat still, her hands shaking a little as she looked at Dan with what could only be described as fear. A look that said ‘why today?’ and ‘why do you look so sad all of a sudden?’ and ‘what’s wrong?’

Then it got worse. She asked out loud. She asked if he was okay, she asked him to take off his hood. She asked if he had cut his hair, asked if he’d spoken to his mum that day, if she’d been around lately.

“I’ve got to go to school now, Lou,” Dan said quickly, taking a step back to leave.

“Wait, Dan”

He powered on. “You’re an amazing neighbour and friend, really.”

“What’s going on? Let’s talk about this.”

“You’re more of a mother to me than my actual mum ever was.”

Her eyes were pleading. “Why don’t you stay awhile? Please, Dan. Have the day off. We can watch Disney movies and have-”

Dan cut her off before she said something that’d make Dan’s resolve disappear. “No need to worry, Lou, no need.”

Dan turned and quickly walked out of the room, Louise calling as he did so. “Please! Things will seem better, I promise! Todd always-” Dan didn’t hear the rest of her words as he’d closed the front door and ran down the street towards his personal version of hell.

~~~~

_Hi Papa!_

_Daddy said to write this letter to you telling you about me and what we do together. I’m not sure why, but he said it’s important. He said I’d get ice-cream if I did a good job!_

_My names Kate, but you and Daddy always call me Katie. I’m turning seven next year and you said we could go to Disney World as a present! Moana is my favourite princess, but you say she’s old._

_Daddy says you adopted me when I was little. I don’t remember before you and Daddy, but he says I wasn’t happy until I lived with you. I love you, Papa! Thank you for making me and Daddy so so happy!_

_I’m in Year 1 at school and I’m learning lots of big words! I’m ahead of all my class because of the books you write me. You’re a writer. What’s the proper word again? Let me go ask Daddy. Oh, you’re an author! Daddy says you write lots of books, but I like the ones you make for me. At bedtime, remember? Every night you give me a new story to fall asleep to._

_You and Daddy asked me yesterday if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I don’t know, but since you make me so happy, I should make you happy too! I told you I’d like having a brother or sister and you did a big sigh before scooping me up in your arms._

_I’m excited for Disney, Papa! You said I could get anything I wanted! Daddy and I love you loads and loads, so you aren’t allowed to be sad, okay Papa? Daddy says you're sad, and that’s why we write to you._

_It’s my bedtime now Papa, so I’m going to brush my teeth before the tickle monster comes for not being ready._

_Bye Bye Papa! I love you lots!_

_Katie_

~~~~

Dan wandered through the school halls, tugging on the hoodie strings every so often to keep the hood tight over his head. He did _not_ want to know what would happen if anyone saw. Oh god, he’d end up a laughing stock, until tomorrow when everyone would probably feel bad for even looking at him.

 _Serves them fucking right_ , Dan thought bitterly, marching into the room for his first class and taking his previously assigned seat. That was another reason he hated this class, as if he didn’t have enough reasons to hate Economics. Mr Beal was a complete ass-hat. He wasn’t a shit teacher, far from it actually, he seemed to genuinely care about what he taught and what the student’s learnt. But he called on Dan for most questions. If Dan knew the answer, he would get punched later for being a nerd. If he didn’t, he’d get punched for being an idiot. It was lose-lose.

Mr Beal was also deaf - or at least hard of hearing - and potentially blind, casually strolling past him on countless occasions as he got beat to a pulp. So yeah, Mr Beal wasn’t a bad teacher, he was just a shit person. Dan swore the man had less than no empathy.

“Mr Howell. How are you this morning?” the aforementioned douchebag asked, walking into the classroom and taking his seat, pulling a folder out from the draw seconds later.

Dan didn’t answer and of course, Mr Beal didn’t notice. He asked to calm his conscience, but he never actually listened to the answer. Half the time he’d just say ‘good, good’. It was something Dan had learnt pretty quickly, and so he just never replied anymore. Dan was pretty sure he could have told him he was suicidal and his answer still would have been ‘good good’.

As Mr Beal mumbled under his breath, Dan pulled out a book. The pages were worn and beaten, pencilled in notes on just about every page, little ideas of Dan’s as he read. This wasn’t a present, this was his to keep until his last breath.

Students slowly trickled into the room, until the first bell rang, and then sweaty teenage bodies fought to get through the door and to their seats on time. This is why Dan always went straight to his next class. It wasn’t as if he had friends to hang out with anyway. Honestly, the closest he had to a friend was Pj, who Dan was pretty sure just put up with him for the snacks Dan gave him in exchange for drawings. It was the only thing Dan looked forward to in the day. He was glad for Pj and his clever pencil sketches.

Dan wandered into his next class, taking a seat at the back of the class. He didn’t need to pay attention here. Especially today, when all he had to do was pretend until he could be free.

And so his day passed reasonably quickly. It wasn’t until fourth period that it became apparent Dan’s last day on Earth was going to put up a fight. Charlie, aka the worst human to ever live, just so happened to pull his hood down in front of the entire class.

Luckily the English teacher was actually nice and cared about her students.

“Mr Wicker, detention.” Mrs Kendricks said. “If you were Dorian Gray, if there was a picture of you that changed according to your behaviour, how would that picture look right now?” she questioned. She loved that damn book, but at this point, Dan didn’t even care how much she brought it up. Dan was just happy Charlie was actually getting told off.

“I didn’t do anything! The poof knocked it off himself!”

“For one week.”

“So fucking unfair,” Charlie mumbled, slumping into his seat, but the damage was done. From the second Dan’s hair was on view, his peers were whispering.

At that moment, Dan really wished he could just disappear. He wanted to unwrap his ‘present’ this minute and take out the horrid souls gossiping about him, but he already had a plan. He also wasn’t particularly keen to go down in history as the guy who shot up half his school before offing himself. No, he was content with Charlie.

When the bell went off, Dan quickly pulled his bag onto his shoulder in an attempt to get out. Before he could though, Mrs Kendricks called his name. Dan groaned and stopped his near-successful escape attempt from the conversation that he knew was coming.

“Yes, Mrs Kendricks?” he asked, feigning boredom.

“How is everything at home?”

“Irrelevant, get to the point,” he answered simply. He was good at reading people, he knew she was just making small talk.

“Don’t speak to me that way Mr Howell or you’ll have detention as well. I simply wanted to tell you that I read your essay.”

“Did I fail?” he asked confusedly. She didn’t sound as if she were passing out bad news, but he also was aware he hadn’t entirely followed the instructions.

“Far from it. Your essay was one of the best I’ve read. You’ve got a way with words, Mr Howell. You would be a fantastic lawyer if you put those skills to use.”

There was a pause, where he briefly thought, _why the fuck would I want to be a lawyer?_ She continued before he could continue on the thought train though.

“But,” she began. There was always a but in every compliment. Kiss kick kiss. A stupid thing all the teachers at this dumb school must have been taught. Compliment the person, tell them what they did wrong, then top it off with another compliment. Supposedly “guaranteed to work” as if it were some kind of infomercial they were selling. _“Kiss, kick, kiss, only $1.99 and you can use this amazing technique.”_ _What a load of bull_ , he thought before turning back to Mrs Kendricks and whatever she wanted to talk about.

“You didn’t answer any of the multiple-choice questions. Why?”

“We both know they’re only so you know we read the book. My essay clearly shows I’ve read it, doesn’t it?” he asked smugly. There was a sort of immunity to criticism that came with knowing that day was your last. Threats held no value when you’d be gone the next day.

“They were worth thirty per cent, Daniel. You knew that. You may be smart, but following simple instructions is another important skill in this world. You’ll struggle to hold a job if you can’t follow the rules, even if you can’t see their purpose.”

“You can fail me if you want,” he said simply, shrugging. “I don’t really care about my grade.”

“You need to think about your future, Daniel.”

He laughed. “Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die. Passing through nature to eternity,” he said. At the silence, his mouth gaped. “And you say?” He prompted to no result. “I’m quoting _Hamlet_! Surely you aren’t that shit of a teacher!”

Dan watched, ready for a detention notice, as she wrote on a piece of paper at her desk quickly. A pass slip.

“I’m simply here to help, Daniel. I don’t know what’s going on with you but I must report your strange behaviour to guidance. I’m not really sure what you’re after, but I try very hard as a teacher. I stay up late every night planning classes I hope will interest your peers and engage you.”

Dan nodded, feeling a little shitty for what he’d said. Instead of saying anything more, though, he pulled his bag back over his shoulders and headed for the door.

~~~~

_Hi Pooh Bear,_

_You hate it when I call you that but I think it’s cute. Besides, you call me all sorts of names so it’s only fair. How are you today, my love? Is that nickname better? You always blush when I call you pet names. I love how rosy your cheeks get._

_Listen, I know you’re going through a rough patch. That things aren’t great. But I promise it gets better. I know it sounds cheesy, and you probably won’t believe me, but I promise. You got Katie’s letter, didn’t you? She’s your daughter. Your beautiful daughter that you have to stay alive to see. If you go, she won’t get to be a part of our family. We won’t even have a family._

_You love Katie so much. And you love me too, or at least that’s what you like to say. And we can’t forget Lucy. Little Lucy. You picked her yourself, a whole six pounds of pure fluff. I’ve included a picture (well, a drawing) of her in her harness. She hates the thing, but she looks so silly. All her fluff is squished. Lucy absolutely loves water. She was born by the beach in Brighton. I think that’s where she gets it from. We’d bought a small pool for the backyard a week after she moved in. We can’t keep her out of it. She’s a water babe, as you say._

_I’m doing well, in case you’re curious. And you’re great too. Sure you have some bad days, but it’s been almost a year since your last one and before that it was months. You’re getting better and better each day. Waking up by your side is the highlight of my mornings. Seeing you interact with Katie and Lucy makes my heart swell and I can’t help but grab your hips, kiss your cheek and whisper three little words in your ear. You always blush at that too. Everything makes you blush. You hate it but I absolutely adore your freckled cheeks and dimples._

_So stay safe, my love. There is so much to live for, so so much. Not just Katie and Lucy and me. So stay alive, stay fighting, stay willing every day until we meet again, and every day after that. Katie’s calling for dinner now, and Lucy’s probably hungry too. So I’ll leave you with these last words._

_I love you._

_Pocky (not giving my real name ‘cause I’m superstitious and don’t want to mess with our future)_

_P.S. The nickname comes from when we met. I was snacking on a packet of pocky, and I’d offered you one. You decided the name was fitting, so it stuck._

~~~~

Pj Liguori was the only person Dan considered a friend. Sometimes Dan liked to think Pj might actually enjoy Dan’s company, but he knew that wasn’t true.

He’d met him during third-year art, a class Dan utterly despised. He only took it because it was an easy pass. His teacher would argue that what they made was “art” but if Dan just made up some bullshit metaphor for his terrible scribbles, the teacher couldn’t fail him.

But then he’d seen Pj’s sketches and he’d been enchanted. He’d enjoyed watching the light strokes of pencil on paper and the image slowly coming together. Dan had quickly taken to spending his lunches in the art room with Pj. Dan shared his lunch as “payment” and he got to see Pj’s creations come to life.

“Hi,” Dan said, closing the door behind him.

“Hey.” Pj didn’t even look up from his drawing, something Dan had gotten used to by now.

“Listen, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you letting me watch you draw. I want you to know that your drawing has really saved me over the past year, sometimes your drawing is the only thing keeping me alive another day. You’re really talented and I hope you never stop drawing. Uh, I wanted to give you something. To show you how much I appreciate your drawings. Because I do. Appreciate your drawings, that is. Way more than you know. So, uh, here,” I say, passing the envelope covered in pink wrapping paper.

Instead of thanking him and opening the present, he asks something Dan had heard too much that day. “Why are you telling me this _today_ , Dan?”

“I just need to give you this,” he said instead of answering. “It’s a present.”

“Why pink?”

“The colour isn’t really significant.”

Pj nods, laughing a little and opening the envelope. He didn’t exactly get the reply he was expecting. Instead of a _thank you_ , Pj asked, “Is this some sort of joke?”

“What? No, of course not. It’s a check, to help you go to uni and study animation.”

“You expect me to believe this six-digit check is real?” he questioned, eyes squinted.

“It _is_ real! I promise. I’m not going to uni and my grandparents had this saved up for me. I want you to use it to chase your dreams or something.”

“What’s wrong with you?” he snapped.

“I thought you’d be happy. You can go to uni.”

“Listen, I might wear what you consider to be poor people clothes, but me and my family are fine. We might not have enough for uni but we aren’t starving. I get that you’re a little off, that you're different. Hell, that’s what I like about you! But this, this is just plain rude. You know what, I don’t think I’m going to draw today. You watching all the time is starting to creep me out. I don’t want you here at lunch anymore, okay?”

“The check’s real,” he insisted, trying to get Pj to believe him. “Take it to the bank, you’ll see!”

“Okay, Dan, sure.”

“It’s real! You’re being a real asshole about this.”

“Real classy, Howell.” Pj slammed his sketchbook shut and started shoving his things into his bag.

“Pj, please-” he tried but Pj just shoved past him on his way out the door.

~~~~

Dan spotted Charlie in the hallway later that day. Dan glared at him, turning his hand into a gun shape and firing at him.

“Dead,” Dan said loudly and clearly.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Howell?”

“Everything,” Dan grinned. “Nothing. You choose.”

Charlie didn’t reply, ignoring Dan and walking off down the hallway. People around him looked at Dan like he was crazy, or maybe like he should disappear. Well, he would. One more present to deliver, then he could unwrap the gun and go out on the same date he came in. Happy birthday, indeed.

“Mr Howell?” Spinning, Dan saw the guidance counsellor.

“Hi, Ms Greadon.”

“I’m hearing reports that you’ve been acting strange today, is this true?”

“I’m always strange,” he smiled. “But I’m fine otherwise.”

“What’s going on under that hoodie?”

“Nothing, just a haircut.”

“Mrs Kendricks said-”

Dan interrupted before she could finish. “I’m not a very good barber, I’m afraid. Definitely not following that career path. I’d show you, but I’m a little self-conscious. How ‘bout I come by eighth period; I’ll show you then and we can talk about anything you want.”

She looked at him like she knew he was bluffing, but she nodded anyway with a smile. She’d done her job. She’d eased her conscious, she had nothing left to do. She had countless other students to look after, piles of paperwork to do, parents to manage. One student didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

“I better get going now,” he said, throwing his thumb over his shoulder to point down the hallway.

“You will come to see me in eighth, right?”

“Absolutely,” he lied. To be honest, he probably would have gone to see her if he didn’t already have the day planned out.

~~~~

He sighed, making his way to Room 3R. The snake had already begun, students pushed up against the lockers, out of the way while they waited to get into the class.

He joined the end of the line, a few more students lining up behind him.

Mr Lester liked doing this. He did it every class, just to show his students he cared. Dan reached the front of his line and took Mr Lester’s hand. “Hello, Daniel,” he smiled.

“Hi, Mr Lester. Can I talk to you after class? I have something to give you,” Dan asked. He blushed as the girl behind him wolf-whistled and mumbled “slut” to her friend.

Mr Lester, who definitely heard them, only nodded. “Of course.” He withdrew his hand and reached out for the next student as Dan turned into the classroom to take his seat.

“Okay. So, today’s Thursday, and that means hypotheticals. Anyone got one?”

No one put their hand up as usual. No one cared about school. They paid enough attention to get passing grades and that was it. They wanted out of this hell-hole almost as much as Dan did.

“I’ve got one,” Dan spoke up. Mr Lester nodded at him so he shared his scenario. “Let's say a British teenager has a Nazi pistol from World War Two. Given to him by his uncle’s father. What should he do with it?”

A girl - Dan thinks her name is Amy? - clears her throat. “It belongs in a Holocaust museum, obviously. We need to keep remnants of humanity’s mistakes so history won’t repeat itself.”

Mr Lester nodded. “Counterclaims?”

Dan couldn’t help but smirk as his peers debated what should be done with the hypothetical gun. Little did they know, a gun meeting that exact description was hidden in his backpack. They didn’t know that if he wanted to, he could pull it out and shoot. He didn’t do that. He only had two bullets and Charlie had to get what he deserved. 

“Daniel?” Mr Lester’s voice penetrated his thoughts. Shit, he’d meant to pay attention. He now had to say who won the debate without even knowing what was said.

“I’m actually not sure,” he decided. The snickers he heard went ignored as Mr Lester nodded.

“Very interesting scenario, Mr Howell. Very interesting indeed. I’m not sure who won either.”

Then the class went back to normal. Mr Lester talked and students doodled in their books, pretending to take notes. The bell went soon enough and Mr Lester stood to shake everyone’s hands on the way out. Soon enough, it was only the two of them left. Dan’s eyes watered at the thought of never seeing Mr Lester again. He was genuinely interested in each of his students. They weren’t just a paycheck to him. They were human and he cared about each and every one of them.

“You wanted to speak with me?”

Dan’s cheeks heated and he nodded. “Do you think something negative, something that’s always been negative, could ever hold positivity?” Dan asked.

Phil looked thoughtful for a second before smiling at him. “Sure.” Dan waited for him to say more but he didn’t so Dan grabbed his bag and pulled on the zipper.

“This is for you,” he announced, sliding the gift against the desk and towards Mr Lester.

“And why am I getting a present?” he asked, resting his hand atop the wrapping paper.

“I’ll tell you after you open it.”

Mr Lester looked confused but nodded and began peeling back the sticky tape and paper to reveal the present inside.

“Is this-?”

“Yes,” Dan confirmed. In Mr Lester’s hand was the original copy of _1984_ , hand-written by Dan’s great uncle. They’d all gone to his uncle and then to himself when his uncle passed away. This was the only one left. His bitch of a mother had gone and sold all the manuscripts so she could get a place in Manchester and start her business. Dan never forgave her for it and never would.

“Why are you giving this to me?”

“Lots of reasons. None that I can really explain. But that’s what gifts are for, aren’t they? To express emotions that words can’t?”

Mr Lester nodded before his eyes darkened. “I’m honoured, really Daniel. But why did you give this to me _today_?” And there was that dreaded question again.

“No reason, really. Seemed as good a day as any.” Mr Lester’s eyes didn’t stray from his as they grew more serious.

“Do you have your great uncle’s gun from World War Two?” he asked next. And that scared Dan. He was getting too close and no one could find out now. Even if a part of him wished he would, that didn’t mean he really wanted it.

“What?”

“I’m going to say something, okay Daniel? Please don’t take offence. Sudden changes in your appearance- you did cut your hair, didn’t you?” Dan didn’t acknowledge his words so Mr Lester continued. “Giving away treasured possessions. These are clear signs of a suicidal person. I’m worried you may be a risk.”

Dan yet again remained silent. He couldn’t hear past the blood rushing past his ears.

“Are you trying to tell me something along those lines with this gift?”

“Not really,” he mumbled. He looked up and to Mr Lester. “I just know how much you like the book and I want you to know how much I appreciate your class.” He huffed a laugh. “Honestly, I probably would want to kill myself if I didn’t get to spend time here every day. Your class is kinda the only thing keeping me alive.”

Mr Lester looked distressed at the news. “That’s not true, Daniel. There are lots of good things in your life. And you have your whole future ahead of you. People you’ll meet after high school. Experiences and memories you’ll cherish.” Mr Lester looked towards the door for a second as a clash came from the hallway. “Did you write those letters I told you to? The ones from the future?”

Dan remembered writing them, the tears on his cheeks as he wrote to himself from people who’d never exist. “No,” he mumbled. Mr Lester didn’t need to know how emotional the task had made him. “Maybe I’ll do that tonight,” he said. _He needs to think I’ll still be here._

“You should. I think it’d help.”

Dan nodded. “Can I ask you a personal question, Mr Lester?” He nodded so Dan continued. “Why do you never roll up your sleeves? Or wear the teachers’ polos on Fridays?”

“You noticed that huh?” Mr Lester chuckled.

“I’ve kinda been wondering for a long time,” he mumbled, pulling on the sleeves of his own jumper with nervous energy.

“I’ll make you a deal. You write those letters and I’ll tell you why I never roll up my sleeves. Okay?”

“Sure,” Dan agreed, taking Mr Lester’s outstretched hand in a firm shake. “Do you like your present?”

“I’m really honoured, Daniel. I’m just not sure I can keep it. This is your birthright.”

Dan shook his head as Mr Lester tried to return it to him. “Can you just put it in your desk till tomorrow?”

Mr Lester’s breath noticeably halted. “Why?”

“Just because. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said, sounding incredibly unsure. “You’ll be here tomorrow to pick it up? Promise me I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I promise,” Dan lied easily. Mr Lester nodded and Dan thought he might be able to get out without any more conversation.

“Good. I look forward to your opinions every day, Daniel. I’d be crushed if your seat became empty.”

“You’re a really good teacher, Mr Lester,” Dan said, pushing his chair out to stand up.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Nothing else you’d like to discuss?”

Dan sighed and shook his head. “Nope. I’m off to guidance anyway. I’m sure the wonderful Ms Greadon will be able to fix me right up.”

Just as Dan was about to leave, Mr Lester grabbed his wrist. Dan turned around to see his head bowed before his eyes shot up to meet Dan’s.

“If I give you my phone number, do you promise to call if you feel like your going to kill yourself?”

“I’m not going to-”

“Day or night, before you do anything rash, give me a call. Even if it’s just so I can tell you why I never roll up my sleeves? I think it might change your mind. Think of it as an emergency anecdote antidote of sorts.” Mr Lester’s proud little smile made Dan roll his eyes, but he smiled at the dumb little rhyme. Phil moved to his desk and scribbled on a sheet of paper. He tore the piece off and extended it to Dan, his face serious.

“Promise me that you’ll call if it gets worse before you rush into anything? I’ll tell you the answer to your question if you call. It’s a big secret. But I’ll tell you, Daniel, because I think you need to know. You’re different. And I’m different too. Different can be good. But different is hard. Believe me, I know.”

Dan was confused by Mr Lester’s words but smiled and nodded. “I promise.” And strangely enough, it didn’t feel like a lie.

He gripped Dan’s shoulder with a tight smile. “Write those letters, Daniel. Those people want to meet you.”

Dan smiled. “Thanks, Mr Lester.”

~~~~

By the time the final bell rang, he’d already left the school. He made his way to Charlie’s house with plenty of time to spare, hiding in the treeline behind their small one-floor villa.

“Hey, Mum!” Charlie’s voice came from inside the house. 

“How was school, hun?”

Dan couldn’t see what happened next but the voices disappeared and Dan could see the shadows of people moving about.

 _Target located_ , he thought to himself, unzipping his bag and pulling out his and Charlie’s present. Before he could think more of it, he pulled the tabs of sticky tape and felt the weight of the gun in his hand.

Leaving his bag behind, he loaded the gun and made his way towards Charlie’s window. As expected, he was sitting at his desk, typing away at something on his computer.

He raised the gun to the window, hands shaking as images of Charlie on the ground, bleeding out from his head flashed through Dan’s mind. He shook them away, stilling his hands by resting them against the brick of the house. Now was not the time for his morals to come back and bite him in the ass. He imagined Charlie’s mother rushing into the room with tears in her eyes and guilt clawed at his chest. Charlie was an asshole, but his mother was a saint. She had always been kind to him. She didn’t deserve the pain of Charlie’s death.

Sighing, he lowered the gun, berating himself for not having the ability to shoot the asshole who had fucked him over in every sense.

He shuffled back into the forest, groaning and collapsing to the ground. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, he was exhausted. He couldn’t help but close his eyes for just a minute.

When his eyes blinked open, the sun was already setting and he had a decent-sized stick digging into his back. He shoved the gun back in his bag and pulled the stick from behind him, sighing.

It was time. The end of his life was nearing with each and every second. It crept up on him with no way to escape it.

He climbed back up to his feet and pulled his bag onto his back. He left the forest, grumbling as his back cracked under the new pressure, and headed along the footpaths towards Halfway Bridge.

He arrived reasonably quickly, sighing and following the small dirt path until he was under the bridge. He’d been here countless times. It was a small bridge with sparse traffic and a wonderful view. A quiet, serene place to pass away.

He pulled out his phone, not quite ready to pull the trigger yet. As expected, there wasn’t a single message. No _‘happy birthday’_ from his mum. Why would there be? She never gave a fuck about him and that would never change.

He grabbed the gun, heart beating faster than he thought it ever could. He lifts it to his head, breathing hard and memorising what he saw in front of him. The water, the rainbow lights reflecting off it. He couldn’t help but think of Louise. She’d love this view. She’d say “it looks like something right out of a Disney film.”

He hoped she liked her present. And that Pj would cash in the check. And that Mr Lester treasured the book.

Mr Lester. 

Dan had promised he’d be there tomorrow.

_No! Not now! I’m doing this._

With the gun pressed into his skull, his finger curled around the trigger, he sighed.

“Sayonara, World,” he mumbled in a mild laugh.

He started to pull the trigger.

And.

Time.

Stood.

Still.

He cursed as he pulled the gun back from his head. He groaned, dropping the gun and thumping his head against the brick wall behind him. He knew what this was. He couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger without calling Mr Lester. He’d promised he would and besides, he wanted to know why he never rolled up his sleeves. Mr Lester seemed to think it’d help him; Dan wasn’t so sure. Either way though, he had been curious for months and he couldn’t deny that dying without knowing Mr Lester’s secret sounded really unsatisfying.

He shoved his hand into his pocket, pulling out the little slip of paper and punching the numbers into his phone with too much anger.

He’d call, find out why Mr Lester never rolled up his sleeves, then put the gun back to his head and finish the job. Simple, right?

The phone rings and rings. Dan almost gives up, thinking it will go through to voicemail but at the last second, it connects.

“Hello?” Mr Lester’s voice was quiet and crackly through the phone.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Mr Lester asked. It sounded like he was getting annoyed. Dan wanted to speak, his mouth was open, gaping, as he tried to say something, anything. Sound refused to come out, though.

“Daniel, is that you?” he asked next, his voice softer and cautious.

He managed a hum which Mr Lester took as a yes. “Okay, don’t hang up. Are you okay? Are you safe?” he continued and Dan wished he could speak but he just _can’t_.

“Since you’re calling me on my mobile, I assume you want to know why I don’t roll up my sleeves? Well, I want to tell you. I think you need to know the answer. The thing is, I have to show you. So can you tell me where you are? I’ll come to you and I can show you what’s beneath my sleeves. I really think it’ll change your mind, Daniel. I think it might help you see a reason to live.”

And just like that, Dan’s voice came back. He swallowed past the tears of frustration and spoke. “It’s my birthday today,” he said. He sounded pathetic, he knew that. He was practically begging for attention. He shouldn’t be making Mr Lester have to leave his home to come to find him. He should just hang up now and finish the job.

Before Mr Lester could say anything new, Dan’s brought the gun back to his head. “Happy birthday, Daniel,” he said, and those words instantly make him feel better.

“Can you tell me where you are, please?”

“Halfway Bridge.”

“Okay, thank you, Daniel. I want you to stay on the phone while I get a cab, okay? We can talk about anything you want and when I get there, I’ll roll up my sleeves. How does that sound?”

Dan didn’t answer, only shaking from the cold. “Just let me tell my roommate where I’m going, okay? Stay on the line. I’ll be back soon.”

The line went silent for a short while, only the mumbles of voices filtering through the phone and into his ear.

There was a ruffling before Mr Lester’s voice returned. “Okay, Daniel, I’m back. I’m walking down the hall and waiting for the elevator.”

“You’re a good teacher,” Dan said, eyes closed as he rested his head on the cool, damp bricks. He lowered his arm, knowing he wouldn’t be able to do anything until he solved the mystery.

“Why thank you, Daniel. You’re a good student. You’re very intelligent.”

He remained silent for a second or so and Mr Lester continued. “Okay, I’m getting into the cab now,” he announced before he heard a muffled “Halfway Bridge, please, and hurry.”

“Okay, the cab driver said it should be five minutes. So what do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know,” he said, one of the few honest things he’d said that day.

“Okay, well, we’re turning onto Duke Street, if your wondering. We have to wait since it’s a right turn. Okay, there’s a gap coming up. Now we’re turning. I’m on my way, Daniel. You just have to wait it out.”

And that’s how they spent the next six minutes and forty-two seconds. Mr Lester explained what he was doing and Dan listened to his calming voice.

“Okay, I can see the bridge,” he said, and when Dan focussed, he could hear the car travelling along the cobbles. “Okay, we’re pulling over. One second, Daniel,” he said before the phone muffled again. “Wait here. Seriously, this is an emergency. I’ll tip you well,” he said, and the cabbie must have nodded because he came back on the line.

“Okay, I just need to find a way down,” he announced. And Dan would have told him about the pathway but he was too busy thinking that Mr Lester was willing to spend his money on Dan. “Right, I’ve found a path.” There were shuffling sounds and a skid before a shadow appeared next to the water.

“There you are,” he whispered, pulling the phone from his ear and pocketing it.

Dan, in his preparation for Mr Lester’s arrival, had stood with the gun in hand, his bag abandoned.

“Is that a gun in your hand?” Mr Lester asked, stress even more present in his tone.

“Yep,” Dan answered, voice flat.

“Your great uncle’s?” he asked, everything clicking into place. Dan nodded, proud for once. Of what, he didn’t know.

“You wanna hand me the gun, Daniel?” he asked. The panic was obvious in his voice, and his outstretched hand was shaking despite him clearly trying to keep it still.

“Did they teach you how to deal with an armed student in teacher school?” he asked instead, taking a step back with the gun still in hand.

“No, they definitely didn’t,” Mr Lester said. “Maybe they should have. Is it loaded?”

Dan grinned. “Yep. And the safety’s off.” He didn’t know why he was speaking to Mr Lester this way. He’d come all this way to save him, hadn’t he? But for some reason, he couldn’t shut off his mouth. He couldn’t sever the connection between his brain and his voice box. Maybe he was just too fucked up to have empathy anymore.

Mr Lester’s hand went down, twitching as his body stiffened.

His eyes trailed around them for a second before finding Dan’s again. “Just give me the gun, Daniel. And everything will be alright.”

“That’s complete bullshit!” he shouted and Mr Lester took a step back. “You don’t lie, Mr Lester. You’re the only adult I can trust and you tell me this? Try again.”

“Okay,” Mr Lester sighed. “Did you write those letters from the future?”

“Yeah.”

“And what did they say?”

“What does it matter? I wrote them myself; they won’t come true.”

Mr Lester sighed. “You aren’t all doom and gloom, Daniel. I’ve seen the light in your eyes. What did the future say?”

“I had a b- a partner and a kid. I was happy and we were going to have a second baby,” Dan announced, wishing there was even a slight possibility of that coming true.

“There you-”

Dan cut him off. “Why does this fucking matter? They don’t exist and they never will!” Dan shouted, stepping back again, but Mr Lester stepped forward.

“Yes, they do. Okay, maybe not those exact people, but if you hold on and believe, you’ll meet people like them.”

“And how do you know?” he demanded. Mr Lester looked so determined despite the fear in his eyes.

“Because I used to write those letters to myself. I’ve been in your shoes, Daniel, and those letters helped me significantly.”

“Did you find the people you wrote about?” Dan asked sassily.

“Yes, I did.” And that had caught him off guard.

“How’d you find them?” he whispered. Mr Lester smiled.

“Writing those letters helped me work out who I wanted to be. Once I knew that, I was able to tell others what I wanted. After that, it was just a matter of finding people willing to listen. And when I did, I felt so much better.”

Dan frowned. “Those letters made me feel even more fucked up.”

“Why?”

“I got to thinking. That world is so much better than this one is. I just want to be there now. I don’t want to wait to find them, if they’re even out there. Those letters made me want to leave this world even more. That’s probably how I ended up with a gun in my hand.”

Mr Lester winced at that and Dan realised why. He’d just said it was Mr Lester’s fault he was even here. Not on purpose, and he hadn’t even been thinking that, but he’d said it.

“Do you ever feel like you’re sending out a light and no one sees it?” he asked next. Dan’s eyes fled to the rippling river, rainbows slowly disappearing as people turned off their lights and went to sleep.

Mr Lester steps closer. Dan doesn’t back away.

Mr Lester took off his coat and tugged at his sleeves.

Dan looked, Mr Lester holding his phone light above his arm. There was a simple pink triangle on his wrist with a semicolon inside it. His eyes trailed further up his arm and saw the silver spider-webs he had on his own arms.

Dan realised what the symbol means; his history teacher had taught him when they’d been studying World War Two.

“I don’t care that you're gay,” Dan said. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

He’d never thought of Mr Lester as gay before but in retrospect, it made sense. He never spoke about a wife, he didn’t have a wedding ring. He was a smart, nice-looking, steadily-employed man who would no doubt make a wonderful husband one day.

Mr Lester smiled. “Thank you, Daniel.”

“Why do you hide it?”

“Because it might make it difficult for me to get my message across to some of your peers if I showcased it.”

“And what is that message?”

“What do you think it is?”

“That it’s okay to be different? To be unique.”

“That’s part of it.”

“But I’m not like you,” Dan suddenly declared.

“You don’t have to be like me to be different. You should be like _you_.”

Dan smiled eerily and pulled the gun to his head. “This is me. Right here, right now.”

“Not all of you.”

“And how the hell do you know?!”

“I’ve seen it in your eyes when I teach. I’ve read your essays. I can tell you understand, you’re different. I know how hard being different can be. But I also know how powerful it can be if you choose to wield that weapon to help others. All great people are different, Daniel. And we seek out other different people so we don’t get lonely, so we don’t end up where you have tonight.”

“I don’t want to be gay,” he said.

“You don’t have to be. But if you are, that’s okay too.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not gay.”

“Fine.”

“I’m _not gay_.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Charlie Wicker is gay.”

“Why are you telling me that?”

“Because he’s not gay like you. He’s evil.”

“What are you trying to tell me, Daniel?”

“I went to Charlie’s house tonight. I was going to shoot him, I really was. I’ve wanted to kill him for so long.”

Mr Lester’s swallowed, hard. “But you _didn’t_ , right?”

“I was at his bedroom window with the gun in my hand. But I couldn’t pull the trigger. I couldn’t do it.”

“That’s a _good_ thing, Daniel.”

“I should have killed him.”

“What did he do to you?”

Dan didn’t want to tell him. He didn’t want Mr Lester to know what had been done to him.

But Mr Lester waited, quietly and patiently. Something about it made Dan feel safe. Like Mr Lester actually believed he was worth listening to, worth saving. He felt like he could trust him. And, with that thought, his mind went haywire and he found his voice. He told him everything.

Every.

Horrible.

Terrifying.

Gruesome.

Detail.

He sobbed, tears sliding uncontrollably down his cheeks in fat droplets.

And at some point, Mr Lester stepped closer to him and wrapped an arm around him. It felt nice, warm, _safe_. He hadn’t felt safe in so long. He let Mr Lester hold him as he calmed down. He let Mr Lester take the gun from his hand and place it beside him.

“You’re okay,” Mr Lester whispered, and Dan hated and loved him at the same time for saying that. He was very clearly not fucking okay but something about the way Mr Lester said it made him feel like maybe, just maybe, he _would_ be okay in the end.

Once Dan had calmed down, Mr Lester said, gently, “You know that men can be raped?”

And somewhere deep down, something clicks into place like the final piece of a one-million-piece puzzle. He thought about what Charlie did. He thought about how he’d put up a fight at first but stopped when he always lost. He didn’t fight, surely that means he agreed, right?

“I feel like I’m broken. Like I can never be fixed and like I don’t deserve to be fixed. My own fucking mother didn’t even stick around. She ditched me the second I was old enough to roll over in my crib. She doesn’t care about me. Everyone hates me. I’m fucking worthless.”

“I don’t hate you. I hope my being here tonight shows you that. High school is only a small dot in your life. There are good things ahead. And if you hold out, you’ll see that.”

He reached for the gun again but Mr Lester stopped him. With his wrists in Mr Lester’s hands, he can’t wipe away his tears.

“I can’t even kill myself properly.”

“That’s another good thing,” Mr Lester answered, smiling sadly. “That’s a _beautiful_ thing.”

As Mr Lester stood, Dan grabbed the gun. “What do you think we should do with this?” he asked.

“Just chuck it in the water?” he offered.

“You don’t think it belongs in a museum?”

“I believe all guns belong at the bottom of rivers.”

“I wonder if it even fires,” Dan queried.

“I’d feel much better if you’d at least put the gun down. I’m trying quite hard to seem calm but my heart’s still beating really fast. It’d be much easier for me if you no longer had a loaded gun in your hand,” Mr Lester said. Dan thought briefly about how much he risked coming out to deal with him that night. There’s the gun, and the legalities if he actually does kill himself, because Mr Lester is now quite seriously involved. Not to mention if anyone found out they were having this conversation, his school’s lawyers would probably faint.

And with those thoughts, he nodded and tossed the gun in the water. “Do you really think things will get better?”

“They will. If you’re willing to put in the work.”

“What work?”

“Not letting the world destroy you. It’s a daily battle.”

Dan sighed, exhausted. “So, what do we do now?”

“Is anyone home at your house?”

Dan thought about lying, only briefly, before he shook his head. “No, my mum’s in Manchester”

“Then you’re coming with me.”

~~~~

The cab ride was almost silent. The cabbie, who was agitated at having to wait so long, was staring ahead. Mr Lester texted his roommate, Cole, to let him know he was bringing home a guest. The sound of the indicator was deafening.

Dan swallowed hard when he saw how much the taxi was and watched with guilt as Mr Lester handed over the cash without hesitation. Dan swore he’d pay him back one day.

They walked up the stairs to Mr Lester’s floor and entered his apartment. Cole was already sleeping but Mr Lester went to let him know they were there. Once Mr Lester disappeared, Dan realised Cole was probably his partner of some sort. And that made him smile. Mr Lester deserved to be happy.

“This isn’t your job,” he heard a voice, clearly not Mr Lester’s, say and he realised how right Cole was. None of this was Mr Lester’s job. He should just leave now. Just get up and leave.

“Shh! He’ll hear you.” The conversation went back to mumbles after that and Mr Lester came out not too long after.

“He’s right, you know. I shouldn’t be here,” Dan said, eyes on the photographs above the fireplace.

“He’s just grumpy ‘cause he has an early shift in the morning. I’m sure he’ll be fine after a night’s rest.”

“But I’m your _student_. Can’t you get in like- serious trouble for having me at your house?”

“Well, I see this as extreme circumstances. Besides, no one will ever know unless you tell them.”

“Are you sure this is okay?”

“It is, Daniel. I promise,” Mr Lester replied.

“Cole. He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he?”

Mr Lester looked shocked for a second, then panicky, before simply smiling and nodding. “Yeah, he is.”

“Do you- Would you mind if I went to sleep? I’m exhausted,” he asked next. He didn’t want to be rude and just end a conversation if Mr Lester was trying to start one.

“Of course. Can I have your mother’s phone number though? I think it’s really important I give her a call.”

Not having the energy to fight anymore, he agreed and unlocked his phone.

~~~~

His mother hadn’t cared one bit. She’d come home after “calming his teacher” and “cancelling eleven meetings.” She made sure he knew how much he’d disrupted her life, again.

Pj gave him the money back after finding out why he’d handed it over. The principle held an assembly to discuss mental health and Pj had pieced it together.

Dan used his mother’s credit card to admit himself into a hospital. He knew he needed help, and this was the only way he’d get it. It wasn’t too bad. Besides, he met the person who he’d later realise was his Pocky.

His name was AJ. He had chocolate skin, brown hair and green eyes. He was absolutely gorgeous.

At twenty-four, Daniel Howell got married.

And at thirty-one, he became a father.

He never forgot Mr Lester and all he’d done for him. He himself became a teacher and, just as Mr Lester had done, he shook each student's hand at the beginning and end of every class. He swore he was going to be kind and caring, just like Mr Lester.

And at sixty-eight, he held his grandson in his arms and was so glad he made it.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think and come say hi on [tumblr](https://rainbowchristy.tumblr.com/)!


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